In a whirlwind of emotions and unexpected encounters, Jenny navigates life's challenges with resilience and newfound determination - finding solace in supportive friendships and seeking professional guidance.
Chapter One
Three a.m., but of course it is; it has been a three a.m. wake-up for the past month or even longer. The joys of having insomnia, time and days just become a blur. How I long for just one decent night’s sleep? I do not think that is asking for much, is it? I will say one thing, it is quite nice sitting with a cup of coffee in the early hours. Just silence and calm, my own thoughts swirling around my head and the thought of what sleep would feel like. Do not get me wrong, I feel I have tried every product going that promises a restful night’s sleep, but of course for me, they did not work. I often question that these are more of a placebo effect? Still, however, the thought of sleep is just heavenly.
As I switch on the television, I already know there will not be anything of interest on not at this insanely hour. Luckily, I have company in the form of my golden retriever, Pip. He is only two years old and just the cutest dog ever. He is a little biased, but he is just beautiful and a lovely shade of mustard yellow. As I stroke Pip, I start to realise that it will not be long until I must go to work. There it is the dreaded word “work.”
I always had dreams of becoming an actor. I took drama for a brief time, but it turns out standing in front of people makes me forget all my lines. With my dreams of making it big as an actor clearly long gone. I settled for working in a supermarket. Yes, dealing with customers whilst living on minimal sleep is such a dream come true. I know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, yet it is the only defence mechanism I have to disguise my true emotions.
I should not complain, really. I have a roof over my head and Pip my loyal companion. Yuck, how long have I been daydreaming for? My coffee is cold, whilst I re-heat my coffee, I feel a nudge against my leg. “I know, I know, its breakfast time.” My parents often tell me I treat Pip like a child, but he is my baby, or rather, my fur baby.
Three hours before my shift starts, sure, it pays the bills, but at the age of twenty-eight, I feel my life should be heading somewhere different. I am not sure where my life should be heading, and that’s part of the problem. I just have an emptiness that I cannot fill. If you ask my best friend Helen, she will say I need a man. Helen is a work colleague and is just an amazing person; she, however, is married with two children and owns her own home. We are opposites, but I do adore her. Do not get me wrong, life can be a little lonely, but right now, I just do not feel the need for a man.
Before I know it, it is time to get ready for work. As I put the uniform on, the darn top they require us to wear begins to make my skin itch. Seriously, what is this top made of? Insomnia and itchy skin, perfect. No time to complain; I say goodbye to my fur baby and head out the door for a delightful eight-hour shift.
“Hey, Jenny, looks like we are on shift together.” I do not even need to lift my head to recognise that voice. As I hug Helen, I am relieved to know I will be working the shift with my best friend. “Sorry to say, but they have you working the tills today.” Great. The one job I truly detest is tills. “I suppose I best get to it before the manager starts to complain.”
“The total is £62.50, please,” I say to the customer in my politest voice. Why is the customer looking confused? I can see a queue beginning to form.
“That’s not right; check the amount again.” Wow, this customer is rude.
“Madam, the total is £62.50, where do you think the problem is?” I ask, trying to keep my composure. People are now beginning to stare; can’t this lady just pay and leave? “You should know, you are working the till.” I am extremely confused and feel a yawn coming on. Now is not the time to yawn. As I call for the shift manager, the customer suddenly starts yelling and name-calling. After enduring the wrath of this very disgruntled lady, finally the shift manager turns up and takes over the situation.
Thankfully, the shift manager tells me to go on break, and Helen comes over and gives me a hug. “Are you okay?” Well, that confirmed that she also saw the commotion.
As I sit in the break room, I realise I am shaking. There are just four hours left, I tell myself. I sit and think if there was another way I could have dealt with the customer, but now feel frustrated that I am letting this lady affect me so much. Honestly, why am I giving her my time? I feel a bubble of rage form in the pit of my stomach and will myself to let it go.
As I go back to the shop floor, I feel eyes from the other employees looking at me. Four hours, just four hours. My second half of the shift, I was asked to stock shelves, which honestly suited me fine. Finally, my workday was over, and I could not get out of there quick enough. Helen stops me in the carpark and checks I am okay before giving me another hug and leaving. Just think of the money. Just think of the money, I repeat to myself over and over.
As I flop on the sofa early evening, Pip comes and cuddles up next to me. Before I know it, I feel tears falling down my face. I do not know why I am crying. I assume the stress of the day and lack of sleep has taken its toll on me. I take Pip on his evening walk and take in the evening air. Slowly, I feel a little bit better and laugh at Pip as he is running along the path. I am so glad that I have him in my life; he just always makes me laugh in his own cute way.
Chasing Anxiety is available now in paperback.
